Senility

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'



When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'



A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.' I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the aft ernoon.I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Fi nally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Why Wedding Dresses Are White

A son asked his mother the following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure." The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

Never Did Anything Wild

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.We decided to grab a bite at the food court.I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red,orange and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,"What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one - and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Yes I did. Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

The MBBS Dictionary of a different kind

1) Antibody - Against everybody
2) Artery - The study of fine paintings
3) Bacteria - Back door to a cafeteria
4) Bowel - Letters like a,e,I,o,u
5) Caesarian Section - A district in Rome
6) Cardiology - Advanced study of Poker playing
7) Cat Scan - Searching for lost kitty
8) Coma - Punctuation mark Yaar, Simple!
9) Cyst - A short for sister
10) Diagnosis - Person with slanted nose
11) Dilate - The late British Princess Diana
12) Enema - Not a friend
13) False Labor - Pretending to work
14) Genes - Blue denim
15) Hernia - She is close by
16) Hymen - Greeting to several males
17) Impotent - distinguished / well-known
18) Labor Pain - Hurt at work
19) Menopause - Men no wait
20) Microbes - Small dressing gowns
21) Obesity - City of Obe
22) Pacemaker - Winner of Nobel Peace Prize
23) Protein - in favor of teens
24) Pulse – Grain
25) Pus - Small cat
26) Red Blood Count – Dracula
27) Secretion – Hiding anything
28) Tablet - Small table
29) Urine - Opposite of you are out
30) Varicose - Very close

The Italian Job

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you".

The husband laughs and says: An Italian girl.

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks:"So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you.""And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.The one I asked for - an Italian girl "Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl!!!"

Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are dangerous

Got Any Coins?

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,

but she belonged to someone else.

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. '

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.'

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and avoid getting screwed!

Don't Copy If You Can't Paste

At training program for the top management A well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife !" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training decided to use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!" Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... And I can't remember who she was !" As expected, he got thrashing of his life time....

Moral of the story: Don't copy, If you can't paste