Women's problems start with MEN

Ever noticed how all of women's
problems start with MEN ?

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

GUYnocologist

AND when we have REAL trouble,

it's a

HISterectomy.

Some pictures to make you smile

Two crocodiles by a lake

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake in a certain country.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.

"Well," said the big Crock, "what have you been eating?

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Crock.

"Hmm well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament."

"Same here. Hmm, how do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one
to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg,
shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're
not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking
the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a
brief case!"

Pleasing a Woman

A store that sells new husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

An Italian Boys Confession

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.
"The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

"Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

"Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads."

Best Excuse for having an affair

The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a beautiful sexy young woman. "You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!"

The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."

"It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating creep."

"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenceless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car. I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain more weight.

When I served them to her, the poor young thing, practically inhaled them. Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was showering, I noticed her
clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them away.

Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no longer wear because they're too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.

After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks, she asked me, "Sir, do you have
anything else your wife doesn't use?"

Nursery Rhymes That were not taught in School

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little ba *tard.
******************************************

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two slices of bread.
******************************************

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
******************************************

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you Dumb A*s"
******************************************

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
******************************************

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
******************************************

GEORGIE PORGIE Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

Basic Rules

1. If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that

2. The nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!

3. The more the makeup, worse the looks...

4. "95% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 5% would always be in your college.".................100% true

5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.

6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now ,when you are committed..

7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.

8. Theory of relativity...... The more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...

9. Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend ( I guess from Kumbh ka Mela)

Contrary to rule 1:The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything

The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes beforethings work out, but ultimately it will (some smile for the guys)

10. The day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-

1. You are dressed badly
2. You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
3. Have a bad hair day

11. All the good girls are either nuns or married. The rest go around with you and ruin your money, health and leave you a total wreck.

12. The more seriously you like a girl...the more seriously her dad will hate you.

13. The love you shower a girl with is directly proportional to the number of bullets her dad will be showering at you.